Complex problems require critical thinking and in-depth analysis, not simplistic solutions based in binary thinking. This proved to be a great stumbling block, on both sides, to the disagreements rampant in The United Methodist Church, especially surrounding issues of human sexuality and identity. Our greatest fallacy was that we could come to understanding and agreement through information, rather than through relational transformative process. Deeply held attitudes and beliefs are not simply changed through factual debate and statistical arguments. We do not need to look back beyond a few years to see the contempt modern science and research holds for many people. Too often, COVID deniers were dismissed as ignorant or irrational, because “who could deny the science?” and “who in their right mind would ignore all the facts?” But human beings are incredible deniers, rationalizers, and ignorers. Doubt me? Read the Bible.

I am not defending, but explaining, what I saw repeatedly in our efforts to keep The United Methodist Church from schism. Time after time we had brilliant opportunities for authentic connection and shared understanding around our divisive issues, and time after time we resorted to senseless argument and debate, where each extreme encouraged “their side” to draw a line in the sand and offer simplistic “either you agree with us or you are wrong, stupid, bad, faithless people,” options, each side resorting to information (“expert” research and opinion “proving” our point) to try to win, not resolve, the disagreement. While the extreme 3% at either end of the theological/social spectrum launched caustic and immature invective at the other side, and the middle 40% weren’t even sure what the problem was, 54% were caught in a depth of anxiety and despair over what was happening to their church, and were being led, mostly blindly, by pastors and laity leadership with a bone to pick and a stand to take. It has been fascinating to talk with dozens of people who voted to disaffiliate who are now saying that they had no idea what they were really doing because they never were told the whole story.

So here goes. See if you think a rational, reasonable, information-based solution will address the following thought exercise. You are born into a family that is terrified of open water. From earliest childhood you hear horror stories about what lurks beneath the surface of oceans, lakes, rivers, and streams. You are told of sharks, eels, jellyfish, barracudas, octopi and squid. You have been shown horrific pictures. You have seen waterways plugged with pollution and garbage. You are told about the waterborne diseases and illness. You have been told about hurricanes, typhoons, tsunamis, and floods. There are people in your family who refuse to even drink water, and that used for cooking must be boiled thoroughly. Others in your community share this fear and phobia. It is the normal reality you have known all your life. You don’t travel much, and you don’t associate regularly with families who don’t share your same relationship with open water. The entire idea that water is good, life-giving, necessary, and pure is completely foreign to you. You become aware that there are people who think and feel differently about this than you do. How do you feel about swimmers and divers and boaters and fisherfolk and marine biologists. What is your motivation to listen to anything these crazy people have to say? And what if one of them tries to pull you into the ocean, and begins calling you names when you resist? When you try to explain, they make fun of you and look down on you and attack you? Long before you will listen to them, you will want them to at least try to understand you. You will need to form a relationship with them. And you know what? Even when you begin to understand them, even a little, and later, even a lot, you may never get over the conditioning you received all your growing up life. Rational or not, the fear may remain. Fair or reasonable or not, your immediate response may always be negative. You can change your mind and still not make a dent in your heart and psyche and spirit.

Would you get mad at someone who was so thoroughly conditioned to see the world the way they do? Wouldn’t such a shift of paradigm require quite a bit of time, patience, compassion, listening, empathy, and kindness? For the most part, all of these qualities were missing from United Methodism’s crash and burn. It is the same thing that we see happening in our political culture. We are allowing the small percent at the extremes to define the debate, we give most of our time and attention to discrediting and demoralizing the other side, and we offer very little real help or support to the majority who would really love to see us work out our difficulties and get along. The more we focus on the extremes, the more we fuel the fire, the more damage gets done.

I am not meaning to be disingenuous. I am socially, educationally, ethically, and theologically progressive, and a good old-fashioned bleeding-heart liberal. But I loved, respected, and admired my colleagues on the other side. Yes, I struggled with the extremists, but on both ends of the spectrum, listening to hate and contempt rhetoric from people who had no desire to collaborate or compromise. But I now attend clergy gatherings where a handful of people I consider friends missing. One or two hot-button issues caused a cataclysm that now seems beyond repair. People I ate with, prayed with, learned with, disagreed with, taught with, and led worship with are gone. And I miss them.

I believe the greatest tragedy we created together was our witness to our society and world. Ours is a gospel of transfiguration. From its Greek etymology, transfiguration differed from transformation in terms of quality. Not only are we to think and act differently, but we are also to think and act better. The reason that the world no longer looks to the church for ethical and moral guidance is that we have abdicated our responsibility and crapped away our credibility. Our constant lower of the bar means that we no longer have anything of value to offer. Beatitudes are for losers. Fruit of the Spirit? Rotten on the tree? Gifts of the Spirit? Hoarded or stored on a shelf gathering dust? Mercy, compassion, and justice? Weak, weak, weak – only the strong survive. Care for the poor, the marginalized, the immigrant and refugee? We love everyone but them. Why in the world would the world look to us for solutions? We are no better than the last presidential debate, vote of congress, or radio talk show. In fact, we’re not even as polished and popular.

Can’t we be better than this? We certainly didn’t show it as United Methodists through our anything but amicable separation. It may be a generation or two before we live out from under our shame, but that doesn’t mean we have to wait. I know this fantastic book, full of great information, that could help us all. Even if you only read the first four sections I think you will be impressed. It offers a completely different and better way to think, feel, act, and speak. I’ll bet you’ve heard of it, and you might even have one in your home. Wouldn’t it be great if we all read it, then took time to get together and talk about it?