Love, according to God, is more powerful than natural affection.

I love the loveliness of love, and the loving feeling I get when I feel loved. This statement alone indicates a bunch of different ways that I do not fully understand real love. I am guilty of the following: I love snow, I love books, I love pie, I love my cat, I love my wife, I love my son, I love my granddaughters, I love God. I tend to love things that make me comfortable more than things that make me uncomfortable. I love the things I like, and I like the things I love. I have been in love many times, fallen in love more times than I should have, lost love that broke my heart, felt love unwarranted, and desired love unrequited. I have been lovable, but some have found me unlovable, if not unbearable. I have treated love as a commodity, a reward, a duty, an escape, an obligation, a joy, and a sorrow. As I strive to understand the unconditional and absolute love of God, I find myself putting all kinds of conditions and qualifications on love’s limits.

I have experienced storgē – the Greek concept of familial love, eros – erotic attraction and commitment, philia – real, deep friendship, and moments of agape – that fully open, fully vulnerable, expansive, inclusive, unconditional love exemplified by God and supplied by the Holy Spirit. But I have too often confused natural affection for love.

Dorotheos of Gaza believed and taught that we are given life on earth to be a blessing, a benefit, and a boon to others. We are not here for ourselves. We are here to be a plus rather than a minus, a gift rather than a burden, a joy rather than a sorrow, and a positive rather than a negative. Essentially, our greatest aspiration in life should be confidence that the world is a better place because we are in it.

Too much of a responsibility? Too great a task? Too much others, not enough self? Not according to Dorotheos. Relationships fill our lives, give us meaning and purpose, and offer us the opportunity to experience heaven on earth. Loving God and loving neighbor and loving self is our life’s work. Those things that we enjoy, that we like, that satisfy and comfort us are natural affections, gifts and graces given by God to allow us to enjoy life. But love is different. Love is more.

We are born into a family that we do not choose. We grow up in an environment that is essentially thrust upon us. We experience storgē whether we like it or not. In many cases, we escape our birth family as soon as we are able, and we may find that we tolerate our blood relations more than we enjoy them. We are introduced into this life with the need and dependency on natural affections. But as we grow, we experience philia – those relationships that we choose, we commit to, that define us, and that fulfill us. With any luck, we will get hit with eros at some point, but unless we encounter it with maturity, integrity, and a heap of self-control we may find ourselves deeply conflicted over natural affection vs. true love. Our quest and our ultimate choice is whether or not we will pursue agape. Agape is costly, demanding, difficult, elusive, and requires intense commitment and sacrifice. It means that we will hold in Godly regard those whom we hold absolutely no natural affection for. It means we will refuse to allow people to be enemies, threats, objects of disdain and disrespect. It means less of us, more of them.

But for Dorotheos, this kind of love is the ONLY way to know God. God is love. Those who love know God. Those who cannot love cannot know God. Our Christianity is not defined by our beliefs and belonging, but by our behaviors. Christians are not those who can quote 1 Corinthians 13 but those who live it. Love feeds the hungry, cares for the sick, welcomes the immigrant, forgives the prisoner. Love gives sight to the blind, release to the captives, rejoices in the successes of others. Love transforms, saves, redeems, forgives.

Christina Rosetti’s carol Love Came Down at Christmas is well known, at least the first verse. But the last verse is perfect of Advent reflection:

If you can look past the non-inclusive language and simply stop at “all”, think about what this song is calling for if we think agape rather than natural affection. Take some time to make a list with two columns: Natural Affection and Love. Make a list of the things appropriately in each. Take some time to send an acknowledgment or token to those who landed in the Love column.