A longtime colleague and friend asked me, “after forty-plus years of ministry, is there anything you really regret?”

It’s interesting, but there has been one thing I did, oh so many years ago, that keeps coming to mind since I retired. At the time, I thought I was hot shit and for a brief time was actually proud of one of the lousiest things I ever did in ministry. Today, looking back, I wish I had been more mature and chose wisdom over knowledge. Want to know what I did? Sure, you do.

In 1995 I was asked to come do some workshops in the three Pennsylvania conferences of the UMC. In the planning stages, I was asked/challenged to engage in a friendly debate about the future of our denomination, whether we should pursue a traditional and conservative path or a progressive and liberal track. I was tasked with the progressive/liberal vision and would be debating a district superintendent who was a card-carrying member of the Wesley Covenant Association. The format would be very simple and straightforward. My opponent would speak for fifteen minutes; I would have five minutes for response/rebuttal; he would then have three additional minutes to wrap up his part, then it would be my turn.

What I remember most about my adversary’s fifteen minutes was that he didn’t cast a vision for what a conservative UMC would look like in the future; instead, he launched a dystopian nightmare of what the church would look like if liberals took over. He painted a picture of a church overrun by the poor and marginalized, on the verge of bankruptcy, abandoning prayer and scripture, ranting about social justice, judging and condemning anyone and everyone who kept the Ten Commandments, gleefully laughing as gays and women having abortions destroyed the Connectional system as well as the American family.

I countered his argument point-by-point citing scripture after scripture and our theological history. He closed by warning people to listen closely to what I had to say, because it would fairly well define what true Christians were up against.

I took the podium and shared my perspective on what a progressive UMC might look like. I talked simply about an intentional evangelical movement based on the love of God, the gifts of the body of Christ, and the indwelling/outpouring guidance and power of the Holy Spirit. My opponent gleefully shot down all my points, trashing them as bleeding heart, misguided, and essentially non-Christian. He turned, looked at me with a smug sneer, and sat down.

Here’s the part I regret. My concluding remarks were a confession. Every single line of my fifteen-minute presentation came directly from a sermon, letter, or journal entry of John Wesley. I offered no vision, no image, no priority, no teaching that was not Wesley. My opponent, who passed himself off as somewhat a Wesley scholar, sat red-faced and humiliated as the packed house broke into laughter and applause. He got up and stormed off the stage and refused to come back out for Q&A.

At the time, I thought I was so smart, so superior. I had ambushed a colleague and took pride in the fact that I embarrassed him, shamed him, humiliated him, and made him look a fool. Only in recent years have I come to realize that I used my power for evil rather than for good. I made it personal. I treated someone I disagreed with contemptuously, disrespectfully, dismissively, and cruelly. I aimed to shoot him down and discredit him. Shame on me.

He eventually left The United Methodist Church for the GMC alternative, and I hope he has left behind any residual harm from that encounter 31 years ago. I know he struggled for a long time and some of our mutual associates let me know he carried anger and resentment for a long, long time.

I tried to apologize once, but it was not welcomed or received. As I worked more closely with conflict mediation and restorative justice I came to realize just how wrong I had been. As I look around at social and corporate media, I see the kind of behavior I displayed everywhere. We are not very nice to one another. With a few well-chosen/poorly chosen words we can hurt, harm, damage, attack, undermine, and divide in incredibly powerful ways.

My greatest regret in my ministry was the time I weaponized words to do harm instead of treating them as sacred gifts, offered to do great good in the world. There is already too much anger, resentment, and discord. We really don’t need more. I wish I had learned this sooner, and I wish I had dealt with my former colleague in a more loving, respectful, kind, and generous manner. May God forgive me.